I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
