Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
