I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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