Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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