wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
