we have officially lost it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
