Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
