I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
