Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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