margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
