um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
