I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
