Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
