we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
