living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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