Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
