I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
