Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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