I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
