laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
