Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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