I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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