Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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