I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
