apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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