thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
