In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
