I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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