I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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