Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
