I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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