Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
