plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
