Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
