Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
