So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Randomize
