Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
