Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
