So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
