He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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