I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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