i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Ketchup is God's man juice
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
A+ Viking dick
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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