i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
