i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
