I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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