i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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