I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
sarcasm needs its own font
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
