My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
