pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
