Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
