We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
