You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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