he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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