And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
