I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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