did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
