he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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