Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
