i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
His nipple licking is glorious
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