I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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