I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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