the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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