is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
