I am midnight drunk by noon
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
